Ich bin ein Flogstan
We acquired a German last night, in exchange for Julia. Perhaps this has taken place through some sort of trading card system I am unaware of.
Whatever the case, I have seen this particular German guy at virtually every party I have ever gone to in Sweden, and he seems like a decent chap. I'm not sure if it's a fair trade, though, since Julia is hotter than a sidewalk in Sacramento in August and possesses significantly more mammary glands than he does. His name is also Jonah, (pronounced with the Y-sound), and I consider it mildly alarming that a man with a name noted for bringing bad luck has now moved in across the hall from me.
Anyway, this is the guy:
I refer to him as "The Proconsul of Flogsta," for obvious reasons.
He moved in yesterday evening (my valuable contribution to this process consisted of placing a single chair in the hallway with a sign on it reading "Maginot Line" and then laughing uproariously as he simply walked around it) and is already cooking frozen pizza in the kitchen. An auspicious beginning!
I have recently decided on a new governing course of action for the next six months of my life: it is imperative that I engage in what I will delicately term vigorous relations with at least one Swedish girl before leaving the Frozen North. Never one to leave anything to chance when it can be meticulously planned and replanned and ultimately abandoned in frustration, I have been developing a strategy to accomplish this goal.
Phase One: Intelligence.
When hunting the wild Swedish chick, it is necessary first to survey her natural habitat. Certain environments are more suitable than others for the purpose, and certain tactics are more successful in some environments than in others. It is likewise necessary to size up the competition: their successes and failures, techniques and territories.
Once a likely spot has been identified, it's time to move on to
Phase Two: Personnel
The Swedish chick is a formidable opponent, and only the most foolhardy go hunting them alone. Like seemingly all attractive women, the wild Swede travels in herds--vast braying mobs of attractive, carnivorous women. You will need comparable forces if you have any hope of success.
Largely, the composition of your group will be determined by what opposition you expect. In general, though, you will want at least two Australians for use as shock troops. They will go in first, using their genetic affability and liquor-addled accents to pin down your target's guards. These are likely to be of two sorts: protective mother-hen types and jealous harpies who secretly hate their more interesting friend. Choose your Aussie's targets based accordingly.
With your target thereby isolated, you have two options. The first is the shock-and-awe approach: send in an Italian. He will saunter up, smelling of cheap wine, wearing more cheap gold jewelry than is recommended, and will simply say, "So...wanna fuck?"
As she recoils (shocked, and quite possibly awed) from this air strike of chauvinism, you have your chance to step in and win over hearts and minds.
Option two is the immediate ground incursion. You go in, alone, and take your chances. Yes, it's more dangerous, but it's also much easier to get a sense of what's happening and what's plausible.
In either instance, it is wise to have an Italian or a Frenchman in reserve. Should you be shot down miserably (as is likely!), you then have the option to send in your swarthy, unwashed comrade as a sort of "nuke-from-orbit" maneuver, to drive her away, thereby a) clearing the field for another attempt, and b) perhaps convincing her that she won't do any better than you.
And last but not least, you will want a German for use as a defensive wall, should you get trapped into something ill-advised with no exit strategy (his natural obstinance and obtuseness will allow you to escape behind him) and an Irishman, to say crazy things for comic relief.
It is likewise advised to avoid the club scene. Swedes, you see, don't date. They make out with ten or so random people on each dance floor, and then take home one of them. Considering that I feel about dancing pretty much what I feel about chlamydia, this is not my scene of choice. I'm all about the witty conversation, awkward pauses, significant glances, and the like. Also, you have to pay to get into the nations on club night, so you're out twelve bucks for the priviledge of looking like an ass, not having fun, and getting shot down all night.
Whereas if you hit the pubs with your motley army, if worse comes to worse, you have a good night sitting around with a weird group of European dudes, drinking beer.
I will keep you advised on the progress of this plan.
What I'm Reading
Richard Holbrooke, To End a War (he was the lead negotiator in ending the Bosnian war)
Oswald Spengler, Decline of the West
Niccolo Machiavelli, Discourses on the First Ten Volumes of Titus Livy (the much deeper, completely antithetical companion to The Prince, and one of the founding documents of republican democracy).
To Mysterious Comment Person:
1. The core of Marx is human liberation. It's about freeing people from viewing everyone else as competitors, from allowing people to interact in ways other than those dictated by their commercial roles, to give people some semblance of control over their own lives. A genuinely "Marxist" society should not only be compatible, but necessary to accomplish genuinely individualism. This is one of the main reasons why I continue to argue that the Soviets, Chinese, Cubans, Vietnamese, North Koreans, and all the other "Communist" states were not in the least bit Marxist.
2. However, Marx doesn't leave any room for religion. And to a certain extent, I largely agree with his characterization of how organize religion has been used to keep people passive and obedient. In my own personal view, though, I don't think government has any business legislating anyone's religious views, so while I am a firm and unyielding advocate of a clearly separated church and state, I don't agree with ideas about banning religion, as was done in parts of Mexico under President Calles.
3. As with individualism, Marxism (if properly implemented), should go a long way towards achieving universal application of human rights. I would argue that the right to health care, shelter, food, work, maternity leave, child care, and so forth are just as important human rights as free speech and free press. Properly enacted Marxist means (and by "properly," I mean "the labor-managed market socialist economic policies that only I and like three Yugoslavians ever advocated") should accomplish the first group, and a democratic political system should accomplish the second. I think Marxism and democracy MUST be intrinsically linked--Marx without democracy leads to Soviet-style disaster, and democracy without Marx leads to American-style oligarchy.
4. Who are you?
Whatever the case, I have seen this particular German guy at virtually every party I have ever gone to in Sweden, and he seems like a decent chap. I'm not sure if it's a fair trade, though, since Julia is hotter than a sidewalk in Sacramento in August and possesses significantly more mammary glands than he does. His name is also Jonah, (pronounced with the Y-sound), and I consider it mildly alarming that a man with a name noted for bringing bad luck has now moved in across the hall from me.
Anyway, this is the guy:
I refer to him as "The Proconsul of Flogsta," for obvious reasons.
He moved in yesterday evening (my valuable contribution to this process consisted of placing a single chair in the hallway with a sign on it reading "Maginot Line" and then laughing uproariously as he simply walked around it) and is already cooking frozen pizza in the kitchen. An auspicious beginning!
I have recently decided on a new governing course of action for the next six months of my life: it is imperative that I engage in what I will delicately term vigorous relations with at least one Swedish girl before leaving the Frozen North. Never one to leave anything to chance when it can be meticulously planned and replanned and ultimately abandoned in frustration, I have been developing a strategy to accomplish this goal.
Phase One: Intelligence.
When hunting the wild Swedish chick, it is necessary first to survey her natural habitat. Certain environments are more suitable than others for the purpose, and certain tactics are more successful in some environments than in others. It is likewise necessary to size up the competition: their successes and failures, techniques and territories.
Once a likely spot has been identified, it's time to move on to
Phase Two: Personnel
The Swedish chick is a formidable opponent, and only the most foolhardy go hunting them alone. Like seemingly all attractive women, the wild Swede travels in herds--vast braying mobs of attractive, carnivorous women. You will need comparable forces if you have any hope of success.
Largely, the composition of your group will be determined by what opposition you expect. In general, though, you will want at least two Australians for use as shock troops. They will go in first, using their genetic affability and liquor-addled accents to pin down your target's guards. These are likely to be of two sorts: protective mother-hen types and jealous harpies who secretly hate their more interesting friend. Choose your Aussie's targets based accordingly.
With your target thereby isolated, you have two options. The first is the shock-and-awe approach: send in an Italian. He will saunter up, smelling of cheap wine, wearing more cheap gold jewelry than is recommended, and will simply say, "So...wanna fuck?"
As she recoils (shocked, and quite possibly awed) from this air strike of chauvinism, you have your chance to step in and win over hearts and minds.
Option two is the immediate ground incursion. You go in, alone, and take your chances. Yes, it's more dangerous, but it's also much easier to get a sense of what's happening and what's plausible.
In either instance, it is wise to have an Italian or a Frenchman in reserve. Should you be shot down miserably (as is likely!), you then have the option to send in your swarthy, unwashed comrade as a sort of "nuke-from-orbit" maneuver, to drive her away, thereby a) clearing the field for another attempt, and b) perhaps convincing her that she won't do any better than you.
And last but not least, you will want a German for use as a defensive wall, should you get trapped into something ill-advised with no exit strategy (his natural obstinance and obtuseness will allow you to escape behind him) and an Irishman, to say crazy things for comic relief.
It is likewise advised to avoid the club scene. Swedes, you see, don't date. They make out with ten or so random people on each dance floor, and then take home one of them. Considering that I feel about dancing pretty much what I feel about chlamydia, this is not my scene of choice. I'm all about the witty conversation, awkward pauses, significant glances, and the like. Also, you have to pay to get into the nations on club night, so you're out twelve bucks for the priviledge of looking like an ass, not having fun, and getting shot down all night.
Whereas if you hit the pubs with your motley army, if worse comes to worse, you have a good night sitting around with a weird group of European dudes, drinking beer.
I will keep you advised on the progress of this plan.
What I'm Reading
Richard Holbrooke, To End a War (he was the lead negotiator in ending the Bosnian war)
Oswald Spengler, Decline of the West
Niccolo Machiavelli, Discourses on the First Ten Volumes of Titus Livy (the much deeper, completely antithetical companion to The Prince, and one of the founding documents of republican democracy).
To Mysterious Comment Person:
1. The core of Marx is human liberation. It's about freeing people from viewing everyone else as competitors, from allowing people to interact in ways other than those dictated by their commercial roles, to give people some semblance of control over their own lives. A genuinely "Marxist" society should not only be compatible, but necessary to accomplish genuinely individualism. This is one of the main reasons why I continue to argue that the Soviets, Chinese, Cubans, Vietnamese, North Koreans, and all the other "Communist" states were not in the least bit Marxist.
2. However, Marx doesn't leave any room for religion. And to a certain extent, I largely agree with his characterization of how organize religion has been used to keep people passive and obedient. In my own personal view, though, I don't think government has any business legislating anyone's religious views, so while I am a firm and unyielding advocate of a clearly separated church and state, I don't agree with ideas about banning religion, as was done in parts of Mexico under President Calles.
3. As with individualism, Marxism (if properly implemented), should go a long way towards achieving universal application of human rights. I would argue that the right to health care, shelter, food, work, maternity leave, child care, and so forth are just as important human rights as free speech and free press. Properly enacted Marxist means (and by "properly," I mean "the labor-managed market socialist economic policies that only I and like three Yugoslavians ever advocated") should accomplish the first group, and a democratic political system should accomplish the second. I think Marxism and democracy MUST be intrinsically linked--Marx without democracy leads to Soviet-style disaster, and democracy without Marx leads to American-style oligarchy.
4. Who are you?
posted by Eccarius | 9:02 AM
1 Comments:
Kära sjörövare....(ok..I guess I could write this in swedish but I'm a bit bored right now). Allow me to proclaim myself as a jättestor fan of your blog. It's this subtle, witty cunicism and carefully chosen languistic innundoes which provide a constant mental challenge. I mean that's the way I would write were I a native speaker of english. Anyhow, congratulations for your meticulous plan to conquer de hjärtan av de svenska flickorna. It is for the first time that I encounter such rigid discpline, such uninhibited professionalism. I certainly hope though, for your own good, that you have sufficiently mastered the swedish language since IMHO it is a vital asset for those who want to engage in something further than a miserable o.n.s.
Oh, and forget the germans, french and all that jazz. What you need is a multilingual greek guy who can simulate any of the above on the fly therefore acting as the linguistic equivalent of T-1000
My contact data are at your disposal
:P
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